Sadly, Spanky passed away on July 31, 2002.
He will always be remembered for his unique
sense of humor and the way he touched our
everyday lives.
Spanky Memorial
SPanKY (Spankybaby2000@aol.com), is a writer,
and humorist. He writes with a Cajun lisp.
He co-habitates with "Zena", a
German Sepherd, for whom he..."Wants
to weave the gate open fow she can be da
fwee createw God meant hew to be...."....Here
he is with a sample of his writings. Get ready to enjoy "I be a contowtionist","BOYS ONWY!". "Zena Warrior Princess" and Other Tails
Subject: Spanky- Hi guys and babes!
Date: 4/16/1999 7:33 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Do you have any idea how hard it is for a
furbaby from a shelter to trace his family
tree? Trotting on tiny little legs fwom town
to town wif posters (of myself dwessed up
waring a woman's hat) asking "Haff you
ever seen this mamadog?" Seems no one
wesembling my mama was ever in America. But
today as I was taking my human for a walk,
a nice lady fussed all over me and said "What
a beautiful Bichon! My
friends raise Bichons and I just think they're
precious!" (What - can't she see this
wicked underbite, my giant tail fan, my 24
pound body of pure muscle?) Then she says
"my,my, Mommy must've just given you
a bath!"
and then i'm thinkin I haven't had a bath
in almost two weeks. Then I knows she cwazy.
but very nice. I don't care what 'bweed'
I am, but it's vewy intwesting to learn about
the possibilities. I'm gonna try now and
give you a pic so you can tell me what you
think. No picture means I still ain't good
on the puter. (ignore the humom and sis pics,
and all the words cuz they isn't what's impotent.)
ARDYS ADAMS
SPanKy, (Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior
princess' lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Peanut butter
Date: 4/17/1999 12:09 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Yous guys sure seem to like peanut butter.
What is you, squirrels? Just sour grapes
on my part, cuz I love it too, but my mom
won't ever buy it, because she's a pbaholic.
On the rare occasions she actually gets it
home without eating it all wiff her hands
or a spare key or by scoopin it out of the
jar with her sungwasses on the drive home
fwom the store, I may get a lick from an
empty jar lid but
that's about it. That woman puts it on bananas,
apples, bwead, choklot, and anyfing else
that won't run away from her, but mostly
on spoons. She'd put it on Spam if she wudn't
a vegetarian. Wud somebuddy mail me some
in a bwown paper wapper?
SPanKy, (Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior
princess' lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: It could happen to you.
Date: 4/18/1999 10:39 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
I wants to keep an eyes on your mom because
I fink mine's gone over the proverbial edge.
Wrappin me in swaddlin clothes for the Christmas
picture was one thing, pullin my face back
for my famous impression of FuManChew is
another, but yesterday she tied my ears together
on top of my head and told her friends I
was a Westie!! Then she put reading glasses
on me, tucked them into the knots in my ears,
put a book on the floor in front of me and
told them I was readin. Like I REALLY wanted
to read The Incredible Journey again.
SPanKy, (Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior
princess' lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Spanky's grooming question
Date: 4/19/1999 8:21 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
I go to the groomer to get cleen and comfy,
not for the perfect coif. I come home resembling
anything from a hairless little pig to a
schnauzer so the perfect style is not impotent.
My groomer is 10 miles away and we like them
just fine, and i behaves ok cept for the
time I bit the grandson of the owner. My
question is, have any of you ever been groomed
at Petsmart? My thinking is, all the doggies
is on
display for eferyone to watch while being
groomed, so they gots to be careful and be
nice to me. What do you fink ?
SPanKy, (Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior
princess' lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: But I haven't a thing to wear!
Date: 4/22/1999 7:59 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
I needs your help, evewyone. My mom's goin
to a ''70s party Saturday night and she doesn't
know what to wear. I'd loan her my tutu,
but it's alweady on loan to Sidney for that
night. I don't knows what the sebenties is
anyway and she's outgrown most of my stuff
and when she does twy to borrow somethin
from me it comes back so stwetched and out
of shape I
haves to give it to the Salbichon Army. She
needs suggestions, and not too ewaborate,
please, cause I gots to eat good this month.
Fank you vewy much.
Your friend,
SPanKy, (Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior
princess' lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Hooray! I gonna gets the runs!
Date: 4/25/1999 10:34 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
This morning Miss purfect, my sis, had to
soak her gimp toe in sumphin called epsom
salt.There she sit good as can be, wiff her
paw in the bowl. She's such a big kiss-up
when it comes to bein good. I wants to get
in on the attention so I go check it out
and mom says,"Spanky, don't dwink that
or you gonna gets the runs." Well, I
loves to run!! Slurp. The box
even says sumphin like it 'promotes ball
movement' so sounds like we're gonna really
play today! The more I dwink, the slower
sis's foot will heel, and the more I gets
to play ball!
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Vet wehabilitated me bigtime
Date: 4/27/1999 6:59 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Beau's weaction to his shots made me fink
back in time to my first vet visits and realize
how I's mellowed over the years. The first
time I gots shots I screamed like they was
killin me. I snapped at everyone cept mom
and flailed awound like a fish on a dock.
I was onwy big as a wat at the time, and
at wast I wundged for the vet's face, missed,
and grabbed him on his collar at his froat.
I digs my
teef in and shook him wike a ragbone. One
muzzle laiter I was vassinated. On the way
out I hikes my weg wike a big dog and watered
his fig tree wiff everythin I'd drank all
day. I showed him for pokin me wiff daggers.
As mom was payin for my torture, vetman says,
"well that shud take care of him for
a year." Then he sees me tinklin and
says, "no, I think those are five-year
vaccinations" (he smirks wickedly).
I bites two more vets the
following years even after mom's advisin
em to muzzle me, then next at vetman #4,
the guy picks me up, turns me upside down
in the air a couple times and says, "come
here, you little misbehaver!" It was
like sneakin onto a woller coaster at Six
Flags that I wasn't tall enough for. I was
so disowiented I wanted to frow up on him,
but in my daze, I behaved and have ever since.
Now I is a very good patient.
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: BOYS ONWY! (or you'll be sorry)
Date: 4/28/1999 12:50 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Ok, guys, since we be swappin vet stowies,
I tell you what happened when I got nootered.
First of all, the people at the shelter required
me to be nootered, I fink cause I raised
so much wackett there and they didn't wike
the possibility of more of me comin back
to them. Mom wanted me nootered anyways.
So I goes under the knife and gets my manhood
wealigned, (by the vet I bit at the froat
- boy was
that payback.) Couple days later mom picks
me up baby-style on my back and oops...how
do I say this pwoperly, put it delicatwy,....hmm.....OK,
I gots it....Know what lipstick is? Well,
I showed my mom lipstick. Well she is sooo
dumb! Know what she did? She calls the vet,
tells him what I be doin and asks what is
wiff me!!?? Guess she thought I was sposed
to have all that stuff wemoved. Sheesh! After
a long silence on the phone, the vet man
(who was
probably LHAO) told mom not to worry, that
"Spanky's just glad to see you."
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Any solutions to my pwoblem?
Date: 4/30/1999 8:54 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
OK, if you can welate, please advise me for
my own safety. (1) mom says she wuvs me (2)
she's knowed fo yeaws that I follow her evewywhere
in the house, (3) I am always layin by her
feet... So why in the heck do I gets dwop-kicked
at weast twice a day? I swear to you buddies,
that klutzy woman steps on my tail hair wiff
one big old foot and sends me
fwyin wiff the other on a daiwy basis. What
is her pwoblem, anyway? There ought to be
goal posts in our house.
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Dumber than a box o nails??
Date: 5/1/1999 10:56 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Tansi, you ain't even gots no tail, poor
fing, so what's you and evewybody gots against
bwonds? I needs to know cuz my mom is bwond,
she wuvs me to pieces and I stick to her
like Elmews, but if she is as dumb as you
guys says maybe I shouwd go find a new home,
fo the sake of my intewwect and safety. I
don't wanna have my telligence stunted due
to unduestimulation and sure as heck don't
wants mo
assidents. I finks she has a high IQ but
maybe that stands fo Idiot Quotient. Oh,
now i gettin pretty scared. Whewes did I
puts my wittle bandana bag on the pole anyways....
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: did i evuh tells you the one about....
Date: 5/2/1999 8:51 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Spankyin99
You is most gwacious to convewse wiff me
and so full of good insights, i wish to share
wiff you anothew incident of stoopid human
twicks. A few yeaws ago when pigs eaws became
populaw tweats fo us, I gots a featuwe awticle
in the Fort Worff Star Telegram wiff lots
of pics of me and mom and sis. Mom's fwiend,
Terry, is a witer there and she wikes to
do aminal stowies. Terry picked us cause
we're so
fotogenetic and we so well behaved. hehe.
The fotographer was vewy afwaid of dogs,
but he be assuwed we's friendwy. I gots gwoomed
and foofooed and was fwont page material,
then they gaves me my fiwst pig's ear. Mr.
fotogwapher wanted me to move to anothew
spot so he weaches down to get my pig ear
and ggrrrr cchhoommpp, I bites him bigtime!
He scweams and twies to climb up the firepwace
mantel. Big 6' woosie. Then mom twies to
coax me to move
(after weally scoldin me) and I bites her!!!
I be warnin them, buts do they wisten?? Anyways,
the big scaredy cat man huwwies up and finishes
doin the fotoshoot, (he's stiww tewwified
of me and Zena's givin him the eye, too)
and when the paper comes out I wook just
cute and cuddwy as can be. We made that bigg
woosie almost cwy fwom fear, so I wooked
vewy happy in the pics. To heck wiff the
pigs ear, i got me two big ole bites of huhand
that day. I
wemembew that day wiff gweat fondness.
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: quick note to my fwiends
Date: 5/4/1999 6:37 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Spankyin99
Hi guys, I be gwounded fwom the puter, but
i swips you a fast note...Yous guys is the
gweatest wiff all of yo good wishes for mom
and me wegarding our topsy tuwvy business
pwedicaments. Wast night we goed to bed vewy
earwy cuz mom'd been a meetin fwom 2-7 wiff
co. who bought co. she works fo. Funny fing
bout that impotent 'meetin' tho, i heards
thewe was
wots of eatin and music and dwinkin and laffin
goin on thewe so I is finkin twice bout all
that job huntin I had to do yestewday. Then
bout 2am the woudest funder you evuh heawd
came bawwelin frew hewe so I barks at the
top o my wungs and scaredy cat Zena joins
me and we wet mom gets no west. So now is
she not onwy dazed and comfused but she sweepwess
and gettin nuttiew by the houw. BTW granhuma
and my uncles and cousins awe all in OKC
and
Tulsa, so now wes got get hold of dem and
make suwe they is all ok.
I gots mo job intewviews today, 1.)) is fo
house cweanin (I bwushin my big white tail
that may soon become a feathew dustew) 2.))
spewwing tutow and speech thewapist 3.))stowm
chasew 4.)) wounge singew.
My wife is in such upheavew, i hope you can
even deciphew this, as I am attention depwived,
so bwasted confused and my endolphins is
depweted. Anybody wiff extwa endolphins,
pwease sent em my way. Fanks, you is the
gweatest.
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: dog warceny!!!
Date: 5/6/1999 7:00 PM Central Daylight Time
From: Spankyin99
Message-id: <19990506200040.22966.00000258@ng-fb1.aol.com>
My vetman and mom conspiwed this week and
warcened a puppy. The baby was wunning neaw
a busy stweet wiff his notowious pawents
who chase caws and attack people and dogs
and mom swiped him. His quasihumans nevew
gets theiw dogs vassinated and the dogs have
attacked 6 people incwuding the vet, been
quawarantined, the owner jailed, and the
q.humans is MEAN
dudes. The baby is onwy bout free months
old, and today he gots wormed (and I was
the one hungwy for wowms, what's I gotta
do - go chase cars or bites somebudy?) and
gots his shots and momma snuck him away and
warcened him to a lady's house who's gonna
fostew him fo a week. We knows she gonna
keeps him, she just dunno that yet. The mean
twashy "human" wives wight in fwont
of the vet, so Mr vetman was escared of him
seein mom or him wiff the puppy,
but he dint. I would've gwadwy twaded Zena
fo the wittle guy, but que hurrah, hurrah.
He be spared fwom wife of cwime or pavement
fwattenin now so I is happy. What's the mattew
wiff humans anyway?
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Headin norf
Date: 5/6/1999 9:52 PM Central Daylight Time
From: Spankyin99
Keep you wittle paws cwossed fo me this weekend,
cuase we's goin to hugrama's in tulsa (we
wave as we go by you house, Chipper). I's
not sposed to set off the 'larm this twip,
and I not sposed to show mom I got a wittle
infection by hikin my weg twice in the livin
woom like I did last visit (i had to show
mom i was bweedin and mom fought I was
bein smart..besides the white cawpet needed
a wittle textuwe and colow,) and I been warned
that I gotta let big ole 130lb Schwarzenegger
the muleboy come in his own house if he wants
to, and I gots to stay outta Zena the ape-girl's
way. (That's where our fude stawted wast
month.) And i pwomised not to frow up in
mom's purse on the dwive up. Don't sounds
like i'm in fo vewy much fun, huh? Oh, yeah,
i not allowed to beat up my schnauzew pup/cousin,
or eat all Schwarz's tweats, or get locked
in the pantwy again, tho that one pwovided
pwenty of search and eat time. And I gotta
stay off the white loveseat, ... I fink I
eithew gotta go stwaight in, weedle on the
loveseat, bite ole Schwarz on his big nose,
poop on his bed and then get banished to
the pantwy: OR... stay home and bweak out
the Chevas wegal.
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: I'm baaaaaccckkk..
Date: 5/10/1999 9:10 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Oh, my fwiends, how i wishes you coulda been
wiff me at granhuma's. I was suwwounded and
accosted by giant quadwapeds all weekend.
I got granhuma's goat as usual. She is a
clean fweak and nevew has a bug so much as
dared to enter her house. Well, as evewybody's
sittin eatin in the kitchen, I trots through
wiff a woach motel stuck on my nose. They
all
goes, "what the heck...?" So they
gets it away fwom me and granhuma 'xclaims
"that thing has been in the back of
the closet for years! the only one that's
ever been in this house!!" So they goes
back to eatin, evewybody quits gigglin, and
here i come again wiff another one fwat against
my nose, twottin thru the kitchen, payin
em no mind. Granhuma was barrassed and 'splainin
like cwazy and mom just kept waffin. Then
on the way home I stawted
gaggin and actin wike I wasn't breavin so
mom would take my seat bewt hawness off.
Bad girl took it off, but weally I was havin
a tough time wiff it this twip. Anyway, i
is back and howdyin to y'all!
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: The sequel to JAWS
Date: 5/15/1999 10:50 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Just when i thoughts it was safe to go back
in the watew, Zena the big and scawy, jumps
my bones again! This time i found a baby
biwd and it was mine, all mine. I just wants
to play wiff it and along comes muleface
an twies to take it away fwom me, so I fought
hew to the death!! Actuawwy, the death was
that of the biwd, which was dead when i found
it.
But it was the pwinciple of the thing. so
whats if my wittle fwiend is a dead biwd?
It's my find. Anyway mom comes fwyin out
when the scuffle stawted, zena the purfect
is standin thewe wiff blood on hew nose (not
mine hehe), and lookin at me weal innocent
wike, "why'd you do that, midget?"
My wittle fwiend went into the twash, darn!
Hew wittle tweetie soul had alweady flown
away. So now mom's twyin to get me to pway
wiff this dumb toy
she bought at petsmawt. It is a wittle gorilla
wiff a gweat big mouff and BIG teeth and
makes a sound like a burp. What was mom thinkin?
I hates it of course and growls when I see
it. I gotta go now and pwetend that zena
hurt me. .....uh.....i mean... get mom to
massage all the bones zena bwoke when she
jumped me. Later doods
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: pearly whites
Date: 5/22/1999 11:47 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Today we went to the pawk and I be struttin
along on my usual mission of
tryin to keep up those wong wegged giwls,
Zena and mom. A wady walkin toads us is wookin
wight at me smilin and says "What a
beautiful .." (at this point I fwash
hew my biggest grin showin hew my Guiness-book-o-records
undewbite)"Bich....uh...German Shepherd!"
she exclaims. Boy, she was at a woss fo words
when she saw my pearwy whites!! I weally
frew hew, and I laughed to myself all the
west of the walk.
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
"at this point I fwash hew my biggest
grin showin hew my Guiness-book-o-records
undewbite"
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: My wife stowy (Ya don't haff ta
wead it)
Date: 5/24/1999 8:47 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Most o you guys alweady know my bizawwe wife
stowy, buts SnOball and a couple othew buds
asked so I shawe it 'gain fo those who don't
know. Don't feew 'bliged to wead cause evewybody's
stowy is as impotent as mine.
I was bown a poow white boy somewhewe in
Texas. I was 'bout 8 months old when my mom
noticed me impwisoned at the Arwington shewter,
and I was the most obnoxious inmate thewe.
I jumped stwait up and bawked and frew mysewf
against the baws. I was kinda hew second
choice for humanitawian weasons (I was so
cute I was assuwed of adoption) but she decided
on me anyways. Aftew she got me home, I had
parvo and neawly died. I was also covewed
wiff so many ticks and fweas I was anemic.
I lived frough both. I had a Gewman Shephewd
sis that was so tewwific, but she died when
I was 5. Then we 'dopted Zena the GSD (I'd
wike to change the order of the lettews for
hew). She was weal bad abused and bonded
tight wiff mom, and she neawy sent me to
the Bwidge on mowe than one occasion (I 'xaggerate).
Mom twied to find a GSD wescue club fo hew
cause she had so many pwoblems:
heawtwowms, mange, physicaw abuse, giganto
emotionaw abuse. She was a dangew to anybody
but mom. Mom fewt wesponsible, so we kept
hew. Aftew much schoowing, behaviow specialists,
lots of tedious hawd wowk, patience and intense
sociawizin, and worst of all, REVEWSAL OF
ALPHA DOG WOLES, we could coexist in the
same house. Now the big oaf woves me and
evewybody, cept dogs not on weashes. Anyways,
i still hate hew guts fo the most pawt. (she
is a big
woosie who acts mean out of feaw. Pwobwem
is, she's not 'fraid of me.) Meanwhile.........I
licked antifweeze and neawly cwoaked again.
Spent more time in emewgency ICU. Tell you
what, I have tuwned my mom into one cwyin
and pwayin woman! Then one day, I be bwitzin
and i got my tail caught in the tweadmill,
while the bwasted fing was goin 5 mph. I
was screamin, mom was screamin, Zena was
screamin. I fink the sheaw shwillness of
our scweamin
made the fing stop. It bwoke my tail but
it wooks weal pwetty now. I eat worms, like
to woll on shoes and dead biwds, wove to
take wong walks, and I am the biggest shmooze
you evew saw. I make my way into evewy wap
that entews on two wegs.
I'm nine now, stiww wook wike a puppy, and
use it fo all it's worth. A bunch of othew
stuff's happened but those be the high points.
The best pawt of this yeaw is findin this
boawd and budds wike you! You guys is so
much fun! Fanks fo weadin and fanks awot
mowe fo bein pals!
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: I be a contowtionist!
Date: 5/28/1999 2:41 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
We'we in Big Brothews and Sistews and we
be on ouw way to get my wittle husis fo the
nite, but I gots to huwwy and teww you what
happened this time. Mom comes fwyin down
the staiws and thewe I lay in a cwumpled
heap on the wanding, Zena by my side. I be
wayin on my side wiff one fwont weg out stwait
and the othew in midaiw, bent at my ewbow,
stickin
out at a 90degwee angle in the aiw. It scawed
the lollapolooza outta mom. "Oh, my
God, Spanky, what has happened to you?!!"
she 'xclaimed. Upon fuwthew obsewvation she
sees that my doocwaw (i be pawt neantewthal,
you know) is stuck in the haiw on the top
of my eaw! Mom was wonderin why I didn't
fowwow hew upstaiws like I awways do. Weww,
man, I was wacin up those staiws to watch
mom,
and I got hooked big time on my own eawand
had to way thewe hewpwesswy fo bout half
an houw! I can't even bwame Zena, tho I twied.
Ain't a wittle guy safe ANYWHEWE???????????
Now she'ww pwobaby shave my eaws.
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Escowt sewvice pwovided IF YOU WESPOND
Date: 5/28/1999 9:41 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
As Sid says, thewe be enough o me to go awound
and I wants evewy bichon to haff a good time
at the gwand opening, soo....Demi and Daphne,
ya haven't even wesponded wegawdin my offew
to escowt you and it's FWIDAYalweady. Miss
Mannews'd tell me to bwow you off, but you
be my good fwiends so I not gonna do that.
Howevew, Caspew, (who I fought was a BOY)
needs a date, so whatdya say the fouw of
us (16 paws in one caw!) go togethew? The
mo the mewwiew if no one siwwy enough to
go and stawt gettin possesive.........So
whatdya say, ya wittwe weesome thweesome?
Caspew.....yo not invisibwe, awe you?
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: DINEW OPENIN WEPOWT
Date: 5/30/1999 7:51 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
What a nite it was fo aww the wucky Bichons
who attended Gramm Staww's Song in My Heawt
Dinew! !!!!!! It was a gwand event fiwwed
wiff teaws, joy, honow and cewebwation...and
BIG SUWPWISES! Sid, being the compassionate,
astute fella he is, made a special announcement
at the beginnin, to dedicate the dinew to
Granny Staww, whose memowy wiww be in ouw
heawts fowevew. Aftew a moment of siwent
contempwation, and cewebratowy fiwewowks,
the cwowd ewupted wiff claptew and cheews
and the pawty began! Aftew a vewy wong day
of pwepawation on evewyone's pawt, I was
'spwised that I was the only one fawwin asweep
fwom exhaustion, so unfowtunatewy, I missed
a few happenins. Awso unfowtunate, aftew
pickin up at weast a dozen wittle beauties
in my Stud-abarkew, Demi and Daphne, the
hood ownaments, were bwown
fwom the hood by a big gust o wind on I-20,
and had to hitch hike to the partay. Pewhaps
the biggest event of the night was the announcement
of weddin pwans by Jingwebeww and Abby!!
It's gonna be one biga** affaiw in June.
We were all wondewin why JB's singin was
so ewwatic all night, but when he pwoposed,
it 'splained his behaviow. Didn't notice
alot of othew couwtin goin on, in fact, Sidney
and I had mowe dances wiff each othew than
we did wiff
any giwls! And, one mowe time, NO, I DON'T
SWING BOFF WAYS. Somebudy kept pinchin Sid's
hiney, (we fink it was Ewmo) which weally
'xcited Sid til he found out it was some
ol haiwy guy doin it. Well, fwiends, I know
thewe is stuff I've weft out, but these be
the highpoints I wemembew and again,, HATS
OFF TO ALL WHO MADE THE OPENIN A NIGHT TO
WEMEMBEW.....FOEVEW!!!
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Zena got in twouble, FINAWWY!
Date: 6/5/1999 9:20 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Spankyin99
Aftew 4 wong yeaws of my eaws huwtin fwom
heawin nuthin but "good Zena, smawt
Zena, sweet Zena, pewfect Zena, poow Zena,
pwecious Zena", finawwy the big ol lug
showed hew twue colows yestewday. I was sunbathin
on the sidewawk while mom was pwantin and
pwimpin hew flowews and othew bloomin things.
She'd just pewfected one area and I was dewightin
in its
colowfuw beauty. She was meticuwousy workin
on anothew flowew bed and she saw that Zena,
the stoopendouswy stupid, had plopped hew
80 pound body wight down in the middwe of
what was the new flowew bed. I offewed to
wip hew eaws off, but mom (not knowing whethew
to laugh or cwy) made Zena move and explained
to hew that the cool, soft awea was not hew
bed. Evewy bwoom, bwanch and weaf was cwushed
to smithewines. If it'd been me that did
it, I
would've been huwled wike a fwisbee into
the house and gwounded fo a week. Then, Bubbles
for Bwains came back out and waid in it AGAIN.
This time mom got stewn wiff hew, and Zena
won't go neaw it now. Zena was weal embawwassed
cause I laughed at hew. Now when mom's not
wookin, I go lay in that flowew bed and make
suwe Zena sees me. How sad a pwight it must
be to have to act as humans demand. Zena
is such a goofus.
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: My bweak fwom the wubbew woom
Date: 9/13/1999 11:47 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
I'm singin in the wain, just singin in the
wain
what a wondewful feelin I'm spoilt wotten
again,
My gwanhuma's hewe, dwiving my momma nuts,
I'm always full o tweats and I hates my sistew's
guts.
Some fings never change, they always wemain,
I'm cutew than Zena and wanna dwive hew insane.
I'm a happy little boy, my mom's special
toy,
Everyone finks I'm 'dowable, and thewe's
only one I annoy.
********Spanky stops singin to do his best
Gene Kelley********
tap, tap, tap, umbwella point down, twiwl
awound on one paw, tap, tap, tap,
Big jump and spin in the aiw....
and SPLAT! oh, geez, I fowgot to call Sid
to catch me...
tap, spin and splash...**************************************************************
I'm singin, just singin, in the wain!!!!!!!!!!
I'VE WEALLY MISSED YOU GUYS - DOES IT SHOW
IN MY UTTEWLY COHEWENT POST TO YOU????????
your buddy,
SPanKy
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Spanky's Babe Search!!!!!!!
Date: 10/4/1999 11:28 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
>Can you give me a few pointers? I'm new
at chasing babes.
Spanky's guidelines fow bwingin in the babes:
1. Impwove youw speech. Awticulate.
2. Nevew let em see you sweat.
3. Get cool wheels, ow steal them fwom Hawley.
4. Always double date - take at weast 2 giwls
wiff you at all times.
5. Always have an out.
6. Deny, deny, deny.
7. Have a good orphodontist.
8. Have a sad wife backgwound wiff a happy
endin.
9. Always get theiw names stwaight. Damphi,
Dime, Limmee, Fubby Anne, ...you gots to
say theiw names wiff feelin and mean it,
bubba.
10. Be bown cool.
your buddy,
SPanKy
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Eetalian's p**dle gettin on my newves
Date: 10/11/1999 10:07 AM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
I nevew assed fow bwuthews, sistews or stepsiblings,
and my wife is inundated wiff the likes.
Fiwst Zena the gawdawful, then Schwawzenggew
Bigfoot, now Miss Tess who is quickly becoming
the bane of my existence.
She is the p**dle child of the Eetalian.
Pictuwe this big macho Italian guy wiff eaw-bustin
NY assent and his 8lb. foofoo who goes to
the gwoomew evewy week. What a vision-impaiwin
sight of a paiw.
Anyway, the only time I evew been to his
house I was vewy congenial, ran all ovew
the place bein a happy fella, when I zoomed
into the livin woom and was confwonted wiff
a monstew, black as night cept fo the hot
pink bows and teef-bawin gwowlin mouff. I
fought about makin fwiends, but she kept
snawlin and shakin and the meanew she got
the less welcome I wealized I was, so I wetuwned
the gwowlin and just when I was weady to
have a p**dle sandwich,
mom swooped me off the gwound and I was banished
to my home whewe Zena awaited me, deliwious
wiff anticipation of towmentin me. I kept
finkin bout that the newve of that spoilt
little black giwl and that mouth full o teeth
and just couldn't undewstand how anybody
could fink she's adowable ow even wowthy
of havin me in hew home.
Weww, last week Little Ugly went to the vet
fow hew teef cleanin and dental exam. And
then gwoomin, etc. (Why waste money on somefin
so goofey, I ask?) So yestewday mom walks
in MY HOUSE wiff Tess the Tewwible in hew
awms and the fat fuwball was dwessed fow
the Dallas Cowboy game - She had on a team
scawf, visow, and tinted glasses just like
hew dad's. Add to this the wetina-wuinin
sight of bwight yellow toenails and bows
stickin out all ovew. I
neawly tossed my cookies! Until.........
she stawted to gwowl at me,........and she
was missin hew vewy fwont two teeth!!! I
laughed my little white hiney off, wollin
all ovew the floow, holdin my side, teaws
wunnin down my little face til I could laugh
no mowe... Til I stawted pointin and laughin
again!!!!!! So as much as I desewve to be
an only child, I gots a mental pictuwe of
hilawity to dwaw upon anytime I feel blue
ow need a laugh. Mom
took a pictuwe fow me and I will shawe it
if it don't bweak the developin machine.
your buddy,
SPanKy
________________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: spanky's busted again...
Date: 10/26/1999 11:05 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankyin99
Poow mom has had a week. Fiwst she has to
take MeMa (gwanny) to the 'mewgency woom
sun. nite. (mom and the eyetalian busted
hew outta the wawd tonite, and she's fine)
so mom's been wunnin back and fowth to the
hospital, takin cawe of Schwawzeneggew, and
us, and the two big babies- Tess the fwench
p**dle and hew eyetalian pitbull boyfwiend.
Then ole
hothead eyetalian (notice we no longew capitalize
eyetalian) is all huffy cause mom won't mawwy
him, and he's actin like an alpha puppy wiff
whipwowms wedged in his nose (yuck what a
pictuwe). She's been cuddlin me like I'm
hew only hope fow hew sanity. So I keep playin
up the big mean Zena monstew woutine fow
extwa kisses and much needed pwotection,
and what to my dismay happens? Mom discovews
that it is I, little innocent Spanky, that
is stawtin
the wumbles that neawly put me twaction on
a daily basis. Yep, I wasn't payin 'tension
and mom witnessed me gwowl and snap at the
nasty pointy eaws godzilla, who wesponded
wiff an attempt to twiwl me awound the woom
by my eaws. I fink mom is gonna wun away
fwom home and leave no fowwawdin addwess.
As long as she takes me, the one she loves,
I can't say that I blame hew.
Oh yeah, my classified ad: "FWEE TO
BAD HOMES - One toofless p**dle, one hotblooded
and hotheaded eyetalian, and one gangly,
mud-ugly sistew sadly mistaken fow a canine.
None wequiwe feedin ow cawe, just cages.
Ow bettew yet, set em fwee in the jungle!
Gasoline and twanspowtation money pwovided
fow youw coopewation. Reply in confidence
to Spanky.
your buddy,
SPanKy
(Mom's lil angel, Zena the warrior princess'
lil bro)
Spanky's Page
______________________________________________________________________________________
SPanKY and Ardys at the Oklahoma Bichon picnic,
summer of 2000.
Subject: It was an impostew at the OK picnic!!!
Date: 6/5/2000 8:43 AM Central Daylight Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I was all packed and weady to go to the OK
picnic, Mom and Annie and Daphne, Demi and
Dante wewe all loaded in the caw and what
to my bewildewment did they do? They dwove
off wiffout me! "How can that be?"
I cwied in uttew astoundnation.
Seems that unbeknownst to me, my evil twin
matewialized and went in my place, and thewe
was nawy a fing I could do 'cept watch fwom
the window wiff teaws stweamin down my face
as the big twuck headed nowth. Once out of
sight, I found a nice place to west up fow
two days til the huwwicane fowce of humans
and Tx Twiplets wetuwned.
BUT MEANWHILE, that Spanky Impostew twaveled
to OK and socially faux pawed my weputation
into the muddy banks of the Wed Wivew. Fiwst
off he looked like a dawned cockew spaniel
wiff that goofey haiwcut he had, and I heaw
he went wound gwowlin at 'bout evewy pup
at the place. Then he stawts watewin all
of Bonnie and Wick's pwetty plants wiff blood.
Pawamedics Bonnie and Wobin found a vet who
pwescwibes what was supposed to be an antibiotic,
but
it was weally VIAGWA. Aftew one dose, evewy
bichon in OK stawts lookin like his vewy
attwactive next ex wife. (Ohmygosh, how will
I evew convince Sidney that it was not me
twyin to make whoopee wiff Cassie? .......and
Houdi, Bijou,Chippew, Spunky,Hawley, Lexi,
Twevow, Fuzzy,Buffy and evewyone else wiff
a tail?) Oh, this mowtification is neawly
unbeawable.
So aftew that blasted Impostew wwecks my
pwistine image, and the wondewful pawty is
ovew, mom takes him back to the motel, whewe
he bawks all night at evewy caw doow that
closes, pewson walkin by, vehicle motow,....you
get the pictuwe. A vewy weawy mom and Annie
pack us, ew I mean them, all into the vehiculaw
to head back to Dallas, and the Impostew
has voodooed the engine and the caw won't
stawt. Bout an houw latew aftew the motel
ownew has
chawged the battewy, it stawts and they make
it back to Awlington, whewe now the twuck
sits and will not stawt again. Wouldn't be
so bad, 'cept the Expeeedition don't belong
to mom, but to a fwiend who has hew caw.
He may decide he just wants to keep mom's
caw, thanks to that evil impostew's hexxin.
But I undewstand my evil twin had a simply
mawvelous time, in spite of the fact he has
soiled my impeccable weputation. The picnic
was sooo much fun, the food was outta this
wowld, and he got to meet so many of my buddies
and theiw moms. He says that evewyone thewe
was loads of fun and so vewy sweet to him,
in spite of the fact Wobin kept sayin mom
didn't get hew money's wowth on my neutewin.
Next yeaw I will go in pewson, fow I have
locked my
evil twin in the cellaw, in the labywinth
of side of my bwain just above whewe that
little devil pewches on my shouldew, whewe
he shall not escape ow misbehave on my behalf.
Fank you evewyone fow a wondewful gathewin
and gweat time! (so I heaw)
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
"Pawamedics Bonnie and Wobin found a
vet who pwescwibes what was supposed to be
an antibiotic, but
it was weally VIAGWA. Aftew one dose, evewy
bichon in OK stawts lookin like his vewy
attwactive next ex wife."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: I got SLIMED while supewvisin
Date: 6/11/2000 11:52 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
This weekend mom tuwned off the cell phone,
tuwned on the answewin machine and got down
wiff hew bad cleanin self. Looks like we'we
weally movin to the pool. Mom says she's
buyin a pwetty pool and yawd and they'we
fwowin in the hut fow fwee. Anyway, I digwess.
That fool woman accousticized a ceilin, twied
in vain to clean up the SPanKY spots fwom
the cawpet, cleaned closets, gawage, and
painted the walls whewe my diwtbag sistew
lies against them to sleep. Enuf bowing backgwound
info.
I was the supewvisow, in chawge of ovewseein
the pwoject. Fiwst I planted my body on the
paint dwoppined sheets. Lucky the paint was
white. Then I owdewed Gowilla Giwl to lay
up against all of the cool, wet walls, which
she did. Hew left side is now Eggshell Ivowy.
And the walls now have a unique haiw-textuwe.
Whenevew mom went to the gawage, so did I.
When she was high atop a laddew somewhewe,
I would wealize I was locked in the gawage
and bawk
fow her to wetwieve hew supewvisow, which
she did obediently. We had many pwojects,
but the most catastwophic was the ceilin
accousticizin. If you've nevew twied it,
take my advice, get a gallon of gas and a
match and save youwself some agony. Wvewything
in the woom was covewed like ghosts, cept
fow me and mom. Lemme tell you, that accostin
stuff could be used in combat. Mom was standin
on hew swivel office chaiw (hehehe), aimed
and FIWED!
You'd fink somebudy had slimed us with silly
putty. It went evewywhewe, and I mean evewywhewe.
And the looney in the spinnin chaiw was pelleted
wepeatedly. By the time the aiw cleawed enuf
to see, we looked like we wewe attacked by
the wowld fedewation of mud dobbews. Mom
and I both have appointments to be chiseled
bald tomowwow. Zena would've been thewe too,
cept she was stuck to a wall somewhewe.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
"Looks like we'we weally movin to the pool."
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: mom's clumsies neawly did me in
again
Date: 6/28/00 9:16 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I am lookin to went a wubbew woom fow appwoximately
thwee days evewy fouw weeks fow my mom. Don't
know what's up wiff this klutz of a human
but evewy fouw weeks hew hands and feet and
anyfing wiffin hew weach awe potential pwojectile
missles. Today, she was gonna switch a light
bulb in gwanma's ceilin. Simple enuf fow
most. She stepped onto the top
of the little laddew, and aftew unscwewin
the glass fixtuwe and wemovin the bulb, she
pwoceeded to fly thwew the aiw wiff the gwace
of a baboon and cwash landed on the steweo,
only aftew bongin hewself on the head to
the point of gettin a gooseegg, wiff the
light globe. I was on the floow supewvisin,
and lemme tell ya, I almost became one of
them flat fuwwy wugs wiff a head. That was
my clue to hide fow the next fwee days. I
hid fow many, many
long, lonely houws til I heawd mom open the
fwidge, which was an iwwesistible luwe to
my willpowewless little stomach. I happily
pwanced into the kitchen, just in time to
see a half gallon cawton of fwozen yoguwt
come huwlin fwew the aiw in the diwection
of my still-dazed line o vision. It was wound
and cold and twavelin at the speed of light
towawd my face! Yowsa! My eyes got big as
dinnew plates and I wan fwom the mad woman
and hew pitchin awm,
and I been hidin evew since. Anyone who would
like to send me a couple days wowf of tweats
is most welcome to do so. Fank you vewy much.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Wife is mayhem
Date: 7/20/00 8:51 PM Pacific Daylight Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I gotta type fast cuz mom is in a fwenzy
that is suwe to last til movin day , which
is Wed. She dumps me at gwanma's evewy mownin
and wetwieves me only at nite to pwotect
hew fwom monstews of the dawk. The lady who
bought my pwetty house to which I've gwown
so accustomed, closed today and I fink I'll
ask hew if I can stay on as a wentew. Fings
awe
just too weiwd at that new place. Evewythin's
being wipped up, town out and weplaced and
it looks like sumphin that oughta be condemned.
The pool, which was the whole point of my
upwootin, looks like the wemains of a nucleaw
'splosion. It's bein wetiled, wesuwfaced
and wecoped, which is what I may need if
this upheaval continues much longew. Evewything
is a nasty mess, and mom ain't even packed
anyfing yet!!!! She says "Spanky, don't
wowwy, be
happy!" I say "Mom, you need a
lobotomy." She is again losin it, evident
by hew dwivin all ovew town today wiff two
15' palm twees stickin out of both caw windows.
We got an Acuwa, NOT a twuck, and mom suddenly
finks it is a "spendSpanky'sallowanceonanyfingIwantandhaulitallovewtown"
mobile. Ouw caw looked like a big black spidew
wiff gween haiwy eaws. Kinda weminded me
of Zena.
Oh my fwiends, mine is such an exhausting
life, ya know wiff all this sleepin at gwanma's
and all. Gotta go get my beauty west so I
can look weally sad and disgusted again tomowwow.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: High noon is comin
Date: 7/24/2000 7:11 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Movin time on Wednesday is dwawin neaw. Mom's
stands stonefaced at one end. Fiwemen movews
at the othew end. Dust settles momentawily
befowe the standoff is ovew and all those
blasted boxes fuwnituwe and stuff and mowe
stuff heads outta the dwive. I dunno if mom's
gonna make the deadline ow not. She waces
like a woadwunnew between the new house to
check on all the wowkmen, decowatows and
pool wepaiw guys; then to hew office; then
back hewe to fwantically pack mowe boxes
of stufffffff. Heawd hew muttew sumphin bout
wishin fow the thiwd fleeting moment in hew
life she wished she was still mawwied so
somebudy else could be helpin wiff all this
stufffff. She wecovewed fwom that deliwium
quickly.
Buds and Budettes, we will be disconcoctin
the computew on Tues nite, and it won't be
back on til wound Satuwday. I will miss you
so much. Wish us luck in evew even findin
you again. Sniff...sniff....
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: anothew check-in at bettybichonfowd
Date: 9/12/2000 9:06 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
My fwiends, sumthin vewy stwange's been goin
on wound hewe. Fiwst I gots lawyngitis. Sometimes
I bawk, othew times I open my mouth and nothin
cept a waspy squeek comes out. So Mom pokes
2 pills down my fwoat. One is an antibionic
I take 2X/ day and the othew is a contwolled
sustenance I's supposed to take 'as needed'
which welaxes me to noodle stage
so I won't stwain my singin voice. Well,
I take the fwoat pwoddin of the antibionic
wiff gweat disdain. Buttttt, if I ain't been
given the funny pill i bawk at mom and go
sit by the countew, atop which sits the bottle
of Spanky's little helpews. So whatdya fink?
Mom assed the vet bout it and he buwst out
laffin. Pitiful wesponse fow somebudy who
gets as much of my allowance as he does.
THEN.........mom sees a flea on me. A FLEA!
Nevew do my epidewmal cells allow such inhabitants!
I ain't had fleas on me since she found me
10 yeaws ago, so she gets some Advantage
fow Zena and me. Goofy giwl had nevew put
it on us befowe, and she puts it on Zena,
no pwoblem. But as she stawts applyin it
to me she fweaks out cause my snow white
fuw is fast tuwnin bwight wed! "OMG!!!
Is you bleedin, little Spanky? What is this
stuff doin to my
little guy??!! HELP!" Then she wealizes
hew fingews is stuck togethew like Siamese
fumbs. How can she save me fwom gushin blood
if hew fingews is stuck to each othew????
Well, as you expewienced moms pwobably figuwed,
the Advantage stwipped hew wed nail polish
wight off hew nails and onto my haiw! I look
vewy punk. And I can't get a baff til I'm
all ovew my bwonchial dilemna. West assuwwed
my fellow Amewican Bichons, I will be clean
of the
pills and Max Factow Bwitish WedCoat Wed
haiwdo befowe the election commences!
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: i think im confused....
Date: 9/15/2000 10:10 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Deaw Abby,
My, my! I got a big ol' teaw o sedimentality
wunnin fwom my pigmentless eye wight down
into my undewbite. That was so touchin.
And, if Sid and I awe elected, I pwomise
to uphold and continue not only ouw pwomises
made good to the fine constituents of ouw
gweat countwy, but also to cancel my owthodontist
appointment and speech wefinement thewapy.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Ladies and Gentlemen Votews::::
Date: 9/16/2000 10:44 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Time is nigh. (<<<nigh??>>>)
The election will be decided today. To my
knowledge we Bichons be the only pups in
the wowld wegistewed to vote fow Pwesident,
so I uwge you to take advantage of this pwiveldged
oppowtunity to VOTE!
Sid will make one fine, unpwecedented pwesident,
and I, SPanKY, pwomise to take an ovewactive
wole in communicatin, implimentin, and fulfillin
as many Bichonly needs as a showt, white,
haiwy guy wiff an undewbite is capable of.
And that's A LOT!
Be a pwoud Amewican - VOTE now!
Fank you vewy much fow youw suppowt.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: MIA Voters!!!
Date: 9/16/2000 3:15 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I fink, too, in the intewest of time duwing
this vewy special goins on, Miss Kitty may
have assidentally hit the humans' 'spellcheck'
button. Useless gadget. Glad to see she's
back to the biness at hand of election of
the "weener".
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Ladies and Gentlemen Votews::::
Date: 9/16/2000 6:16 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I bet Sidney's and Spanky's IQ's go up 15
points when they wear their tutu's.
Hey, MollyMouth, I'll have you know my IQ
has nevew gone up! So thewe.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: bigfoot wetuwns
Date: 9/17/2000 10:00 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Football season is hewe and since the Dallas
Cowboys stinkewooni again this yeaw, I fink
mom i pwacticin fow tryouts. Pwacticin on
me again. I is still on bath/gwoomew hiatus
cause of bwonchial welated coughin (which
is gone, but I'm milkin it). My haiw is sooo
long and wild I wesemble the likes of a vewy
wounded, fat, albino floow cleanin mop wiff
soulful eyes. And the tail, well let's just
say it's eeeuuuuuuge. Fulfillin my wesponsibility,
I follow mom evewywhewe, woom to woom, chaiw
to chaiw, weed to weed. The little hall baffwoom
is a cubicle of cleaw and pwesent dangew
cause once I fluff myself out to lay down,
my fuw covews most of the cawpeted awea.
White cawpet, I might add. No mattew whewe
she steps, it's on sumphin connected to me.
I scwamble, my legs a wunnin, but my body
goin
nowhewe. She jumps fwom upon one awea of
my fuw to anothew til one of us goes flyin
and scowes a field goal by flyin between
the towel racks. You'd fink she'd leawn.
Then add injuwy to insult, yessewday she
gets weal cawwied away, twimmin little tangles
and feeling fow matts, and she wuns hew hand
down undew my tummy and gwabs what she finks
is one last big matt, and BOYS, let me tell
you, it wawn't no matt!!! My eyes wewe big
as saucews and I wan fow the hills, lemme
tell ya! Some moms need mowe supewvision
than othews. Anybudy know a good twainin
school fow hew?
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Bichon Olympics!!!!
Date: 9/17/2000 2:59 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Oldlympics - a gweat idea! I've gotten lots
o pwactice up and down the wetainin walls
and wound the pool this summew, so I wants
to entew the ossticle couwse waces!
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Mw. Pwesident, awe you out thewe?
Date: 9/20/2000 12:38 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Hey, Sid, I mean, Siw, evew since you and
Miss Cassie faded off into the sunset to
"get the Cabinet in owdew", we
ain't seen hide now haiw of you two. what's
up? Ya fink I'm gonna take the heat and lead
the bichonation in youw absence? I don't
fink so. Look fow a can and stwing in that
cabinet and give me a wing!
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Anothew body, anothew mystewy...
Date: 9/20/2000 12:49 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Yessewday Zena tweed a wat. Yep, a wat. He
wan fwew the bushes in the yawd and Zena
was waggin hot on his tail, which had no
fuw and wesembled a snake wiff no head and
a bad case o the uglies. (his tail that is)
Well she tweed him. Loony mom was givin us
a lectuwe on all God's cweatuwes, and commanded
Zena to let him be fwee. I pewsonally don't
give a flip bout any livin fing 'less it's
human. So we all go in, and the fwight-pawalyzed
wodent is spawed. Then this aftewnoon when
mom gets home fwom wowk we all go in the
yawd and thewe lies the cowpse, not 10' fwom
the scene of the cwime whewe we found the
dead possum. So what's goin on hewe anyway?
Mom keeps a close eye on us when we go out
and thewe's no evidence the muwdew could
be pinned on Zena ow me. and Mom's got an
alibi. Any
ideas?
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Anothew body, anothew mystewy...
Date: 9/20/2000 7:58 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
>you think the rat committed suicide?
Aftew lookin Zena in the eyes, he may've
done just that!
>Maybe it was a bird/hawk/owl? Any way
that a neighbor cat could have gotten
>back there?
I would weally like to fink that's what happened,
just don't want to fink it's a cwittew big
enough to wanna mess wiff me!
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Anothew body, anothew mystewy...
Date: 9/20/2000 9:49 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
>Owre mwaybe it cwould be pwoltergweisters
Little bitty wodent pwoltewgweistews.....I
assually fought of that.........
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Anothew body, anothew mystewy...
Date: 9/20/2000 11:57 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
No budy lived in the house fow mowe than
a yeaw 'fowe we bought it. Wiff a house empty,
all the bushes and pool and stuff, appawently
the cwittews had a few pawties and conventions
hewe, as evidenced by the little tiny beew
cans in the attic, pool equip wiwes bein
chewed (yikes!) etc. OWWWW, nobudy lived
hewe cuz it was haunted by wodent poltewgeists,
like Miss Kitty suggested.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Are bichons yappy or not? A
"Survey"
Date: 9/22/2000 7:32 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I, Spanky, bawk only to infowm humans of
impotent stuff. I bawk at someone comin to
the doow, when I want to go outside, when
I want the watew bowl wefilled wiff fwesh
watew, when I'm asked questions, and when
I'm told to speak. I'm no yappew, I'm a wesewved
convewsationalist.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: the plot thickens
Date: 9/24/2000 9:36 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Today's cowpse was a petwified fwog. That
makes thwee unfowtunate cwittews now wesidents
of the heftybag gwaveyawd. 'Fowe we moved
in this pwopewty of the miniatuwe poltewgeists,
a vewy suspicious big cat was seen nappin
in the bushes. I fink maybe he's settin me
up.......
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Vet got Exowcist pweview...........and
is headed fow eawy wetiwement
Date: 9/25/2000 7:42 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I am so beside myself wiff giddiness. Today
Zena and I gave the vetman a show he'll nevew
fowget. We went in fow ouw yeawly vassinations
and tests, and to mom's chagwin, we both
webelled in Oscaw nominee fowm. Bein the
bwave, "good" one (heehee) I went
fiwst. Checked the eyes, found tiny catawacts,
no big deal. Pwoddin my eaws wiff cold poisonous
eawoscopes set me off into minow whinin and
squiwmin, to which Zena stawts to wespond
wiff eaws back and teef bawed. Blood tests
and shots, no biggie. Then the nail clippews
appeawed outta the evil hands o the black-magic
magician disguised as a vet. I shwieked at
the sight! I flailed, jumped, snapped and
the tech was holdin my head so tight my face
looked like a giant chysanthamum wiff a mean
juttin undewbite. To my delight, I was assoultely
howwible, which got ol' Zena squiwmin and
gwowlin in tewwow like a pwizonew headed
to the 'lectwic chaiw. Then it was hew tuwn.
Hew pupils was dilated to the size of Linda
Blaiw's eaws, and hew head was spinnin wound
fastew than Blaiw's evew did on scween. Hew
eaws was pinned back and she was pwimed fow
attack. One muzzle and twenty minutes of
scweamin latew, they was finished wiff hew.
Then off to the wadiation lab fow me to get
heawt Xways to
monitow the muwmew. Fiwst twy - no good,
too much squiwmin and shweikin. Second twy,
no good, cause my flailin teef and evil attack
mode was all that was showin up. Muzzle #2
and thiwd session was a success. Two houws
and $348 latew, Zena the cowawd, Mom the
poow, and Spanky the gigglin, was on ouw
way home. All ouw tests was fine, heawt muwmuw
the same as last yeaw, blood tests all good
and we is happy, healthy pampewed wotten
babies.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Vet got Exowcist pweview...........and
is headed fow eawy wetiwement
Date: 9/27/2000 9:05 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I bet you slept like a baby, in the knowledge
of a Job Well Done, that
>night!
Twiplets, I was so pumped and full o myself,
I was weady fow a mawathon by the time we
left. While some pups awe undew the weathew
aftew theiw shots, I was pwimed fow action
and havin the time o my life. Yep, slept
like a baby that night!
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: humans - hwmph!
Date: 10/6/2000 11:31 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Today my mom was tellin gwanma bout a house
she listed and the seller had a chocolate
lab. Gwanma assed, "Yum! Did the guy
let you eat any?"
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Tuwbo mom needs stwaightjacket
Date: 9/30/2000 6:32 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Mom's guyfwiend has his kids on the weekend
and since mom don't do kids, she gets into
this 'I am Woman' mode and finks she can
do fings she ain't got a clue about. She
got po'd at the wimpy hedge twimmew she bought,
so today she buys a Monstew HedgeHog that
she can hawdly lift off the gwound, and a
tuwbochawged bionic blowew/vacuum. Luckily,
we also
gots a wobot (a weal wobot named Mewlin)
that cleans the pool and he's all wested
up, cause that watew hole is bwimmin wiff
leaves, diwt, wocks, twees, chaiws and evewythin
else that used to be in the yawd. I hope
Mewlin's weal hungwy. She fiwed up that blowew
and aftew it knocked me ovew the fence into
the neighbow's yawd, it stawed upwootin gwass,
hangin baskets, the blooms off the flowews,
and evewy diwtclod in sight. Ouw yawd was
one big
cloud o diwt and we is now waitin fow the
police to come and awwest mom, cause it was
an ozone alewt day. At one point it assually
sucked one leg of hew showts so faw into
the wetuwn she fought she was gonna lose
a knee. Poow fing, she just don't know no
bettew... I gotta go get Zena to fwow that
blowew monstew into the pool....
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: It's Wainin !!!!!!
Date: 10/7/2000 10:15 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
I'm singggin in the wain,
just singin in the wain....
what a glowious feelin,
I'm happppy again,
I lockkked Zena out,
she's dwownin 'neath the spout,
I'm singin, just singin in the wain!
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: It's Wainin !!!!!!
Date: 10/7/2000 10:16 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
As soon as Zena is totally watewlogged, she'll
be sent youw way. Do with hew what you wish.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Obedience class
Date: 10/7/2000 10:27 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
How excitin fow you. I nevew been to school,
cause mom and I had an undewstandin that
I'd be a headstwong bwat fow my fiwst five
yeaws and fow the next 20 I'd be a pewfect
angel. so faw it's wowkin out. Zena, howevew
went to "Good Dog Obedience School"
(ha) fow sewious behaviow modification cause
she liked to eat Bichons and othew livin
beins. They
must have vewy bad teachews, though, cause
they said she is smawt and she gwadiated
top in hew class.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: CLEANER THAN I WANNA BE!
Date: 10/8/2000 4:51 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Max, you have pwewealized my feaw of the
inevitable that is facin me at this vewy
moment in time. I am about to be sink-washed
fow the fiwst time in the new sink, which
ain't as deep as ouw old one. That fing bout
you gettin stuck to the faucet is a weally
good idea and one that is suwe to wash that
smiwk wight off anymom's face.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subect: Re: CLEANER THAN I WANNA BE!
Date: 10/8/2000 5:16 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
OK Max, now I's squeaky sink clean, too.
That cheap sink is so shallow I could sit
down wiff my fwont feet in the disposal side
(ack - stay away, Zena) and my wump in the
othew side. Mom wan outta conditionew and
Aussied me. Ya fink that'll huwt me? Once
she shampooed me wiff hew "Blonde"
shampoo and I feawed I'd be dumb as a box
o nails when I
dwied, but no. But I'm hopin maybe this Aussie
stuff'll make me want to wun fast ow high
jump ow sumphin. Whatcha fink, Max? Awe you
DWY yet???
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: What IS my pwoblem?
Date: 10/9/2000 8:09 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Well, fall is in the aiw and yesewday I was
wompin like a pup. This mownin I woke mom
up shweikin at the top o my lungs. Believe
me, when I'm huwtin, I am one scweamin mimi.
Mom was neawly in teaws and gently picked
me up and took me outside. (we'we both still
wondewin why...) Anyhoo I s l o w l y walked
back into the house and wiffin the houw I
was pwetty much OK. Mom finks it's awthwitis,
ya know, ten-yeaw old bones and cold weathew.
I had the same fing happen pewiodically last
yeaw and at fiwst she'd wace me to the vet,
and couwse I was feelin fine by the time
we got thewe. Question is...(my, I'm vewbose)
any o you guys have this pwoblem, and is
thewe sumphin that a decent mom would be
doin to pwevent my wakin up in pain?
Then, just a few minutes ago, what is pewceived
to be Spanky bawf was found on the new white
cawpet in the dining woom. It looked 'xactly
like the minestwone soup mom made yestewday,
but she don't wemembew lettin me have any.
I don't know what to do wiff hew. Anyway,
I go to the vet Thuws fow heawt medicine
wecheck and to FINALLY get gwoomed, so I'm
suwe she'll go into gweat dwamatic detail
wiff the good doctow then. In summawy, it's
been a weal
stinko Monday.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: What IS my pwoblem?
Date: 10/9/2000 9:54 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
>Something ain't right here either!
Sid, sowwy you had a lousy day, too. I know
whatcha mean 'bout wantin youw Becky to fix
things. I been weal pitiful today, followin
mom wound evewy step she takes, then I just
plop down and twy to sleep. Wemember Fwiend,
"Tomowwow, tomowwow, ..........."
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: What IS my pwoblem?
Date: 10/9/2000 10:27 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
=
>Maybe your mom could get you a heating
pad or electric blanket to relax your
>bones & muscles?
My mom'll do anyfing in the wowld fow me.
Do you ow anybichon have any expewience wiff
these heated beds ow magnetic beds?
Thanks in advance fow youw help. This isn't
the fiwst time it's happened and I ain't
gettin any youngew, just bettew lookin.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: What IS my pwoblem?
Date: 10/9/2000 11:21 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
>Somebody been sneaking you the minestrone
or have you been doing my favorite>thing
and dumpster diving?
Hmm. I haven't dumpstewdived in bout 10 yeaws.
Fowgot all 'bout it, assually. Even if it's
made fwesh hewe, it's still pwolly not a
good idea to eat it. And if mom fwows it
out, then it might as well have a skull and
cwossbones on it.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: What IS my pwoblem?
Date: 10/10/2000 7:33 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
>We hope> that the vet could help calm
your poor momma down!
Bingo, Twiplets! When mom was enduwin the
post natal adoption pain of Zena the feaw
bitin, mange-infested, heawtwowm laden schizophwenic,
the doc told hew that the best tweatment/medicine
fow Zena's wecovewy would be a high-dose
scwiption of Valium fow mom.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Re: Another bath story!
Date: 10/10/2000 11:51 PM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
<I'm too tall and big for the sink too
: )
I am 14.5 inches at the shoulders and 16.5
lbs.>
Geez, weclinin, (my cuwwent position), I
measuwe 17" paw to back (pwolly tallew
if standin) and a dachsoundian 23" long,
weigh 24 pounds, and mom stuffed me into
the midget sink fow a bath just a few days
ago. What am I, a "Scwunge"?
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Mom and I got fings stwaight...
Date: 10/17/2000 9:54 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Geez, she neawly dwove me nutz today. Mom
wowked fwom home, meanin I follow hew evewy
step, woom to woom and back again, and west
wiff my haiw layin undew hew chaiw wollews
when she's wowkin in the office. Ain't that
sayin 'love'? So what does she do? She wepeatedly
steps on me, then wolls the twiwlin seat
onto my tail haiw and leaves the woom,
makin me dwag hew empty chaiw 'cwoss the
woom til it wolls off my tail, leavin a twail
o wemnants of my hindest follicles on the
cawpet. Then she lets ouw watew bowl go dwy
as a bone. I bawk and tell hew. She wesponds,
goes and opens the doow, like we wanna go
outside and be thiwsty. I bawk again, and
she gives us a tweat, like a cwunchy biscuit's
gonna quench my thiwst. Finally, when my
pawched tongue is dwaggin cwoss the tile
floow wiffout
leavin no moistuwe, she gets the hint and
fills up all the watew bowls. Then she's
assentmindedly gwoomin me monkey style (sans
the eatin bugs pawt) pickin any little dot
o colow ow cwooked haiw off my body, as I'm
twyin to west. Let it be known, I am spawlklin,
spankin clean, and this pullin individual
haiw woutine bout made me come outta my skin.
That woman was weally stawtin to get on my
newves, evident by my momentawy pause in
sleepin, so....
I whipped 'wound and gwabbed hew hand in
my teeth! I didn't bite, mind you, it was
just a mouth gwab, tellin hew to BUG OFF!
It wowked. She's lookin weal scawed now and
I fink I'm gonna get hew twained yet.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: How could anyone love Zena?
Date: 10/24/2000 5:09 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Zena the pewfect is a mess o' bad impwintin.
Yestewday she attacked hew only fwiend and
walkin buddy, Gwacie. Gwacie's only 1/2 Zena's
size. Hew mom was pettin Zena, Gwacie walked
up, and Zena was on hew like a wabid monkey.
Scawed poow Gwacie to pieces, not to mention
mom and Gwacie's mom, who wewe fweakin out.
No blood, just lots of gwowling,
shakin, teeth gnashin, bullying, and tewwow.
A vewy guilt-stwicken Zena has gone into
self-assigned solitude, and mom has to go
find hew evewy once in a while to make suwe
she still lives hewe. Zena banishes hew bad
self to a woom all by hewself and stays in
thewe fow houws and houws, wehashin hew bad
behaviow in shame. Mom loves hew and feels
sowwy fow hew, but I say she needs thewapy
somewhewe in New England ow Antawctica. We'd
weally like to
get anothew pup, but fow the west of Zena's
lifetime, I don't fink anybody new will be
joinin us. She's just too insecuwe when it
comes to othew dogs. I, on the othew hand,
am a cuddly JOY AND DELIGHT evewy day 'cept
Wednesday.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: BIGGG cat loose in my neighbowhood!
Date: 10/20/2000 6:49 PM Central Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
Thewe's was just a special news bulletin
on tv tellin bout what has been descwibed
as a "vewy, vewy, big exotic cat"
loose in ouw neighbowhood! I 's now smeawin
'cweam o Whiskas' all ovew Zena's body and
sendin hew out to find hew new fwiend. She's
got salmon stuck in hew eaws and catnip tied
to hew tail. It is my civic duty to pwotect
my
neighbowhood and make Zena the hewo status
she so wichly desewves.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Subject: Litter Fritters
Date: 10/30/2000 10:26 AM Eastern Daylight
Time
From: Spankybaby2000
> Make sure they are all slightly different,
just as each and every booger is>unique
and>special.
As much as I admiwe youw appweciation of
the finew fings in life, I fink I'll stick
wiff the kittylittew, since some people at
the office don't do coconut. AND - fanks
fow the advice we the level of difficulty
(ya haff ta use a Knife) involved in making
the spidew cake. Mom would pwolly end up
makin it even mowe gwoss by dwippin blood
in it, which just ain't in the wecipe.
Youw Fwiend,
SPanKY
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