Four Years Later: May 18, 2002
It's been nearly four complete turns of the
planet now since I said goodbye for the last
time to my beloved Nicholas. In many ways
the time has passed more quickly than I ever
thought possible. In other ways, the time
has dragged on at the pace of a handicapped
snail.
I would have thought that as the years flowed
by that by this time, the memory of my blonde,
chubby, TV watching baby would have lessened
and I would think of him only in a passing
thought...a fleeting mind glance, or possibly
only when someone else mentioned him.
After all, we all have loved and lost and
yet we have somehow found a way to go on.
It is the way of life. It is the way of love.
And the seasons they go round and round...
Even though I have indeed gone on, my memories
of the days and years we shared with our
Nicholas still flood my mind and continue
to haunt my soul. I can still smell his fur...I
can still see him waiting for me at the top
of the kitchen steps...sitting up with his
toy in his mouth. My husband Dale tells me
that sometimes I still cry out his name in
my sleep..."Nicholas...Nicholas baby."
Nicholas was my soul dog...my once in a lifetime
dog with whom I connected so honestly and
completely that it changed me forever. He
taught me the meaning of the word selflessness.
You see, before he became ill, I had never
had to focus on another living being so much.
He taught me to disappear within myself and
give 100% of myself to another living being
who needed all I had to give at the time.
If I ever need to call upon this lesson again
in my life, I KNOW I can do it.
So many things have changed since the time
Nicholas was here with us. I am now the president
of a national animal rescue foundation called
Small Paws® Rescue, and instead of the carefree life that I
had before that dreadful April day when Nick
was first diagnosed, I now work full time
for Small Paws® Rescue.
Due to Nicholas, neccesity became the mother
of invention and I conceived a web site about
canine cancer which has helped tens of thousands
of people who are going though now, what
I was going through then.Robin’s Canine Cancer Files. A very dear friend continues to manage
it for me to this day. Thanks Leilah's Mom!
I have also begun singing again, this time
even doing some recording. Singing for Small Paws®
My singing was something Nicholas always
loved. We would have the grandest parties
at our home when Nicholas was here. Beautiful,
brightly colored flowers, exquisite silver
trays, and exotic gourmet foods would overflow
from all of the tables. Nicholas was a party
dog. He loved everybody and everybody loved
him. At Christmas time when we had our big
annual party, sometime during the evening
we would dim the lights with only the glow
of the fire and the Christmas tree and I
would sing "Oh Holy Night."
When the time was right Dale would begin
turning down the lights. Nick also knew that
it was time and he would situate his little
blonde fluffy butt right in the middle of
our living room, getting a front row seat
as people began to quiet down and find a
place to sit. Past guests knew what was coming
and first timers always looked around, wondering
if we were closing up shop and going to bed
early with a house full of guests!
Dale would put on my accompaniment tape as
I would begin to sing. I always began quietly
and softly at first, and then as the spirit
of Christmas would fall upon me, I began
to sing for all it was worth about the night
of birth of our Lord Jesus Christ! Oh Holy
Night!
Often, when I would reach the climax of the
song, singing with all of my heart..."Oh
niggghtttt diiiVIIIIIIINE oh nightttt...oh
nightt divine...."I would look down,
and right in front of me, Nicholas would
be sitting at full attention, gazing lovingly
into my eyes, as if to say, "That's
MY Mama! That's my Moma!". The high
notes never bothered him and people would
always comment about how he seemed to be
hanging on my every phrase.
He never tried to dart out the door as people
were leaving. He never jumped on anyone.
He never stole a Christmas cookie...while
I was watching.
He was the perfect party dog. Even for backyard
parties on our deck. Nicholas would not wonder
off. He was attached to me at the hip and
likewise, I to him.
Now, the days of grand parties at our home
have long passed, along with the essence
that was my precious Nicholas. It seems that
with all I do now days, there isn't much
time for parties. It also seemed that after
Nicholas was gone, there wasn't a party spirit
in my heart much anymore.
Nick's partner in crime, Bear, our now ten
year old cockapoo, has really never recovered
from the loss of his big brother. He doesn't
smile and he just doesn't take a good picture
as he once did with Nick by his side. Bear, with Chipper and Mozart He is withdrawn and spends more and more
of his time growling...something he never
ever did, when Nick was alive. When it is
Bear's time to go and he begins to fail from
old age, I will not begrudge him. I know
he wants more than anything to be reunited
with his "Big Bubba Nick". I think
when that time comes I may even envy him
a bit.
We have three new dogs now. I guess it took
three to even partially fill the shoes of
our Nicki. We have two Bichons, Chipper...
Chipper's Story of Survival from a Puppy
Mill and Spunky the Monkey...Small Paws® Rescue: Spunky Monkey Returns
Home to Live with Us and then we also have a Schnauzer,Mozart
whom we rescued after finding him shot on
the side of the road.
Do I feel angry that I lost my Nicholas prematurely
to the dreaded disease of cancer? Perhaps.
But even more than this I feel such an immense
gratitude to God...for letting me share 10
of the best years of my life with such a
perfect little angel spirit. What a blessing
he was to my life. What a blessing!
As this fourth anniversary comes and goes,
I know now that Nicholas' memory will never
leave me. It won't get more dim as the years
pass, as it has with my other dogs in my
life. It will always be as vivid for me as
it is today...as I share with you my thoughts
of the past four years.
My most sincere wish for you is that if you
have yet to experience what I have described...the
relationship I shared for ten years with
my Nicholas, I pray that you are blessed
enough to one day to experience something
of this magnitude. It will change you forever
and you will be a better person for having
gone through the experience. I know that
I am. All my love, Robin Pressnall
Nicholas Pressnall 12-87 to 5-19-98
